January 2012
2 posts
Please Like Me
Sometimes you accomplish something without even meaning to. Like last night my urine stream suddenly went askew and I ended up peeing in my own butt hole. I’m certain that somewhere out there, and probably even supported by a website on the internet called Ass Piss or something, is a fetish for peeing in butt holes and here, without even trying, I did it to myself. I’m telling you this...
Erin Shows You How to Use The Secret
I used to go to a healer in Irvine. Unfortunately, being stuck in traffic two hours each way seemed to undo any positive healing that was happening so I quit her. But before I broke up with her via email she taught me that when speaking to the Universe, it first likes to be capitalized and second, gets confused easily. It doesn’t understand complicated phrases like, “I don’t want...
December 2011
1 post
Jolly Holiday Tips
(This is old and but ‘tis the season again) <!— @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } —>
Listen, we all go through dry spells. I’ve been going through one so long I had to recycle a couple of cast-offs just to get them to check I still had bits. But if you can’t fathom using an ex to brush up on your dry humping skills – they’re exes...
May 2011
1 post
Hey, guys?
Sometimes I’ll check in with friends. I’ll say, “Hey this behavior I do,” or, “This way I have of thinking about something… it’s not crazy, right?” And they’ll be like, “Erin, oh my God, honey, that’s nuts! Why would you do that!?” And I’ll be all, “Ha, I know, I’M KIDDING!” And they all laugh and...
September 2010
2 posts
Secrets Don't Make Friends
My mom was the one to spot the Hammer pants sale. Behind the local video store where we rented the same two movies every week — my favorite, Flight of the Navigator and my sister’s favorite, Sleeping Beauty – a guy with those futuristic band-like sunglasses that no one in the future would ever wear was selling dozens of Hammer pants on clotheslines. They weren’t even...
"Compromising Positions" or "I Ate Cat Food"
I’m in Miceli’s, an old italian restaurant in Hollywood, wedged into a charming booth on a hobbit-sized bench seat. My companions – three brothers and their wives – and I have just come from a screening of many short films, 95% of them involving guns and artfully splattered blood. This is the Tarantino generation. While my friends debate which meats to get on their pizza pies, I...
May 2010
3 posts
I write a dating blog.
Trolling the Craigslist personals: http://www.onlinedatingsites.net/blog/2010/perfect-strangers/
A buffet of LA types I’ve tried: http://www.onlinedatingsites.net/blog/2010/lower-your-standards-determine-your-type/
I dry humped my pen pal: http://www.onlinedatingsites.net/blog/2010/dear-chen-lee/
Why Buffy ruined me for love: ...
The Simplest Terms, the Most Convenient...
Dear Mr. Vernon,
I accept the fact that I had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that I did wrong…and what I did was wrong (I mean, in hindsight anyone could see that stealing pot from Dylan’s dad’s underwear drawer and smoking it naked in a hot tub with a bunch of wasted senior citizen hippies is not only wrong but seriously gross, I mean do you...
Spielberg Got His Best Ideas in the Car. So Do I.
I do my best thinking in the car. Below is a thought transcription from a drive yesterday:
It feels so good to be out, I should leave my apartment more oft – FUCK YOU, FUCK WAD, YOU JUST ALMOST KILLED ME!
Erin, calm down, now you look like the psycho and you’re not even the one weaving the steel killing machine into oncoming traffic.
I love that Steve Carrell doesn’t...
April 2010
4 posts
Who knows more about dating than me?
Like so, so many people. But check out http://www.onlinedatingsites.net/ where I will soon be a featured writer! http://www.onlinedatingsites.net/erin-whitehead/.
Monthly Horoscope
Aries The coming month shows great promise for independent Aries! It’s a good thing you like your alone time because you’ll be spending most of your days in solitude. It really won’t matter if you surround yourself with others, because inside your heart will feel cold and abandoned. You’ll feel the way I did at the 7th grade dance when my mom told me to blow dry my hair...
Official Music Fanatic's Must-Have List
1. “Torn” single. A man showed Natalie what it was to cry then left her cold and shamed lying naked on the floor. I think it might be figurative, though if not, abusive and disturbing. Either way, I want to be her.
2. The Cruel Intentions soundtrack — this eclectic mix includes the Counting Crows. Adam Duritz sings about the color grey even though it plays during a scene in...
Erin Whitehead - Professional Resume
Erin Whitehead isorrybug@aol.com
PROFILE Enthusiastic over-sharer, able to keep secrets most of the time, punctual because not usually coming from anywhere important, proficient in ice breakers, making out, and phone tag, experienced active listener, wing man, and cat-sitter.
EXPERIENCE (‘94-‘01)
Dave – 29 yr old I made out with when I was 16. He lived in a warehouse with no...
March 2009
2 posts
The Usual Suspects
Sitting in the waiting room of Kaiser Permanente this morning, smoked out of doctor hiding by a salmon colored rash below my left eye (Note to self: One wrinkle cream is sufficinet, three results in pink scaliness which is less attractive than wrinkles), I pondered why this doctor’s office freaks me out even more than most.
I always get the high blood pressure, the neurotic...
Mr. Sensitive
I think a certain amount of self-awareness is fine, necessary even, so you don’t walk around like a schmuck with no concept of your effect on the rest of the world. But let’s talk levels. Have you noticed that people who pride them selves on being ultra self-aware — super in tune to their every emotional whim, conscious of each thought bubble — are more selfish than...
February 2009
1 post
Nice Fucking Work
A few years ago, in an attempt to calm my road rage, I traded giving the finger for a sarcastic thumbs up. I only ever felt like an idiot anyway when I would flip the bird — angry people always look worse than the person who angered them, it’s an unfortunate truth. A cool thumbs up says, “Way to go, Jack Ass. You didn’t make me angry, no, I’m simply NOTING your...