Aries The coming month shows great promise for independent Aries! It’s a good thing you like your alone time because you’ll be spending most of your days in solitude. It really won’t matter if you surround yourself with others, because inside your heart will feel cold and abandoned. You’ll feel the way I did at the 7th grade dance when my mom told me to blow dry my hair upside down for body and it looked like I got electrocuted and I wore a fuchsia dress made out of sweatshirt material and stood against the wall crying because I thought that would lure a sensitive guy from the swaying crowd of slow dancers over to me and we’d dance to Live and Let Die by Guns n Roses and his hands would slowly travel from my waist to my hips and THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN AND THAT’S HOW YOU’LL FEEL.
Taurus Sensitive Taurus is not a fan of change and that is evident this month. The things you have been unsatisfied with continue to weigh you down because you refuse to better your situation. You know those days, dear Taurus, when you lie in bed until 2 PM because try as you might you honestly can’t think of a reason to get up and as you lie there, staring at shapes in the popcorn ceiling (a depressed person’s cloud watching), you think, there are a million things I could do to better my situation and then you roll over and get a head ache from the sunlight penetrating your eye lids and finally end up having your first cup of coffee at cocktail hour? That’s what this month will be like.
Gemini Ah, the twins, the double sided sign that creates both harmony and conflict in clever Gemini. This month, though, like Sophie before you, you will be forced to choose. You’ve spent your life breezing from one self to the other but now you will have to kill one. This reminds me, sweet Gemini, of the time in 9th grade when, on a long and quiet ride home in his silver jeep, I told Simon I loved him and he tossed his blonde pony tail and said, “I think I need to get my alignment checked. Also, Kat and I are getting back together.” A part of me died that day, much like Buttercup in the Princess Bride, only I looked more like a cross between Blossom and Atreyu the warrior boy from The Neverending Story so I didn’t get a prince or a horse or perfect breasts. So read up on Sweet Valley Twins, pick a sister: Jessica or Elizabeth, then stab, stab away.
Cancer Moody Cancer will face some challenges this month. So will everyone else but you’ll feel like your problems are bigger and more important. They are. Like your sign suggests you should wary of giant crabs attacking. Scratch that, the all-seeing eye was blurry. You should be wary of getting crabs. I used to be called the Crab Queen when I was younger because I caught a lot of crabs in the sand dunes. Unfortunately, just the aquatic kind.
Leo An exciting month for loyal Leo! Melodramatic Leo always finds herself the cause of trouble and this month is no different. Someone close to you has been getting on your nerves for some time now and finally you can hold your tongue no longer. Like when I was eight and my sister had been driving me NUTSO and just as we walked into my grandparents’ house I said, “Meg, you’re such a fucking whore.” (She was 5) And then I looked up to see my Nana who said, “What did you just say?” and I did not realize this was rhetorical and so REPEATED MYSELF TO MY NANA. Yeah, have fun this month.
Virgo Skeptical and analytical, level-headed Virgo will have some surprises in the coming months. That’s right, as Jupiter’s moons pass through something cosmic, the Universe will bestow some serious emotion in Virgo’s life that won’t be helped by analysis! Speaking of moons, moons reminds me of periods which reminds me of the 6th grade slumber party where I learned what red wings were. Honestly I was more shocked by the fact that people PUT THEIR MOUTHS ON OTHER PEOPLE’S PRIVATES than by the whole period thing.
Libra You’re so vain you probably think this horoscope is about you. Well, it is. Vanity can get you in trouble, though, like the time I was walking by a store and I saw this woman and I thought, “Thank fucking God I’m not her!” and then I realized it was my reflection. I couldn’t take advantage of myself for a week.
Scorpio The sign that is supposed to be my love match. Riddle me this, Scorpio, why are there so few of you? Furthermore, why, when there is one of you do you a)smell like milk, b)call it finger blasting, c)manage to be moodier than me which, let me tell you, is a serious feat, and d)have weird mom issues? How do I know what this month will be like for you, why don’t you ask your mom?
Sagittarius As the philosophical explorer, you’re used to figuring things out on your own. That’s awesome. If you love yourself so much, why don’t you marry yourself? I like cheese but 2 KINDS ARE BETTER THAN ONE, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO SOMEONE’S HOUSE WHO ONLY OFFERED ONE KIND OF CHEESE?…… WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT CHEESE?
Capricorn This is the month to let those inhibitions go! If you don’t, you could end up like those guys who, when making out, go, “Do you like that?” If you were actually paying attention and not worrying about how you look, you could tell very easily by the BREATHING, SOUNDS, and MOVEMENTS whether or not she has entered the pleasure zone. Same with, “Can I kiss you?” If you have to ask, don’t. Lucky Love Days: May 32, 33, 34.
Aquarius Get over it, it is not the age of Aquarius anymore, just like I am not in my twenties anymore and some guy compared my relationship with a younger guy to HAROLD AND MAUDE, and a 60 year old ex-trapeze artist told me I looked old, and I make out with the 7/11 guys who still card me.
Pisces It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life. Don’t get excited, that’s a Bill Murray quote. Remember Groundhog Day? The rest of your life will be like that except rather than each day repeating it will only FEEL like it is. You will keep getting older, you will not learn to sculpt ice, and if you start balding it will not be charming.