Enthusiastic over-sharer, able to keep secrets most of the time, punctual because not usually coming from anywhere important, proficient in ice breakers, making out, and phone tag, experienced active listener, wing man, and cat-sitter.
Dave – 29 yr old I made out with when I was 16. He lived in a warehouse with no windows. Walls covered in black velvet and embedded with rhinestones. Shaved chest. First wang I saw (except for my friend’s boyfriend when he pierced it and bled all over his sheets).
Dylan – Kurt Cobain with elephantitis. Rocked an acoustic guitar. Kissed me (Violent Femmes in the background, a Salvador Dali rendition of naked breasts overlooking us) and said, “It’s so great we can do this and it doesn’t have to mean anything.”
Dan and Dave – Cutest guys at Nordhoff. Kissed both of them on St Patrick’s Day because I told them my name was Erin. They were too drunk to remember the next day.
Kevin – Bird-loving science guy I dated. He took me to a Weird Al concert at the Ventura Fair. Famous quote: “I love you tiny breasts and big ass.” I cried.
Blue – A buck-toothed tweaker I made out with on the hood my ‘87 Volvo. Inside the car we had an ongoing war over the parking break – I wanted it up to avoid third base. I still have his bootleg Pearl Jam cassettes.
Adam – Albino guy I made out with at Emerson during a bored depression. I would stage dramatic conversations in hopes of eliciting some kind of emotional response from him.
Ethan – No wait, we never made out. But I imagined we did so much it seems real.
Patrick – Off and on bf for four years. Blames me for his grey hair. Current next door neighbor.
Cat-sitter – Took blood sugar, administered insulin injections, and forced pills down throat of elderly feline named Bridgette.
Extra – Sat on couch eating donuts in oversized scrubs, listening to conversations around me and thinking, ‘this cannot be my life.’
Voice Over – Narrated fetish scenarios for friend’s “classy” website. Improvised “Mmm’s” and “Oh’s.”
Domino’s Delivery – Got lost for approx 2 hours during every 5 hour shift. Got called “Pizza Boy” a lot due to hip, 90’s pixie haircut and required ball cap.
Substitute Teacher - Couldn’t keep track of who was who so would pretend to write notes to the teacher about who was bad when actually writing things like, “Girl in front row will probably be pregnant by 9th grade,” or “Red head boy is both so stupid and so ugly he will never feel up anyone.” Then I would wish I was them while watching the clock tick.
School of Life – ‘79 – present
Emerson College– Majored in writing with a focus in fiction from an adolescent point of view (or: fiction from the pov of a college student in serious graduation denial)
– Improvised on a team named “This is Pathetic” which often lived up to its name.
- crushed on writing instructor who later married a woman named Erin whose music collection comprised more than soundtracks.
- made Felicity-like tape recordings on the subway in hopes of catching the attention of a dark, handsome stranger.
Knowledge of most Disney songs (Princess part only), dry humping, Twitter.