Girl With a Tail

Jolly Holiday Tips

(This is old and but ‘tis the season again) <!— @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } —>

Listen, we all go through dry spells. I’ve been going through one so long I had to recycle a couple of cast-offs just to get them to check I still had bits. But if you can’t fathom using an ex to brush up on your dry humping skills – they’re exes for a reason after all – there are lots of fun ways to get your jollies without waking up next to someone you regret the morning. If you’re not dating, and you’re not recycling anything besides glass, aluminum, and plastic, here are some helpful tips for getting randy without having to resort to… well, Randy.

1. Speaking of jollies, it’s almost Christmas and what’s more jolly than St. Nick? Use your imagination and pretend you can’t guess what a guy working as a mall Santa probably looks like underneath his rented suit and beard. Use those couple of minutes on Santa’s lap to soak up some Christmas spirit and human contact. With all those elves watching and the danger element (c’mon, there are children around) you’ll be set for the season with a new go-to fantasy.

2. Listen it’s called Thanksgiving for a reason. Now is the time to give thanks for all you have and think about those less fortunate – like homeless people. I’m not going to spell it out for you, but aside from canned goods and blankets, there are some other more creative ways to make a homeless guy (or gal) really, really thankful with just a little giving from you.

3. A fun game I like to play is Horny Confessional. Now is the time of year everyone who meant to go to church for eleven months is heading there and unburdening themselves of things like swearing in front of the family and secretly wishing they were one of the Jackass crew members instead of married. Spice things up for your local priest by getting in that confessional and telling him everything you’d like to do to his body underneath that cloth. Extra points if you dress up like a ten year-old boy.

4. I have something called a crystal wand and ladies, do you know it’s shaped almost exactly like a candy cane? Opt for jumbo sized and keep the wrapper on! Trimming the tree never felt so naughty!

5. This one’s more cathartic than sexy, but works when you just need a good old fashioned emotional release. Write down things you don’t like about yourself, or things you’re worried people might think about you. Put them in boxes and wrap them up nicely in Christmas paper with ribbon. Place them under your sad, single person mini-tree you bought at Trader Joe’s and comes with its own ornaments because they assume sad single people don’t have their own ornaments. Then sit down and pretend they’re real presents from people you love so that you’ll be all the more surprised when you see what they really are. Not recommended for depressive types.

6. Chat Roulette. Sure it’s kind of five minutes ago but add a fun twist by sitting in a wheel chair and telling people your Christmas wish is to see them naked. People love this because of Tiny Tim.

7. Bake cookies naked. I did this one year and burned my abdomen with the baking sheet but you’re probably a lot more coordinated then I am. It’s sexy but the main reason is that while you are watching your terrible family members eat them you can think to yourself, I made those naked and didn’t wash my hands! But wash your hands because that’s just disgusting. Just think it.

8. And finally, the old reliable. Tis the season to shop at Brookstone for ridiculous gadgets your friends and family will never use. Tis also the season to sit in the vibrating chair at Brookstone, watch the shoppers traipse by with their dull, bleary-eyed spouses, and enjoy the ride.

Remember, it’s the thought that counts at Christmas. If you think about making out with someone, it’s like you did. But if you find yourself pregnant after just thinking about doing it, you may have gotten a little too much holy spirit in you.