28th
Please Like Me
Sometimes you accomplish something without even meaning to. Like last night my urine stream suddenly went askew and I ended up peeing in my own butt hole. I’m certain that somewhere out there, and probably even supported by a website on the internet called Ass Piss or something, is a fetish for peeing in butt holes and here, without even trying, I did it to myself. I’m telling you this because I just read an interview with Mindy Kaling, whom I adore, in which she said she said that, “…just because you bare your soul or underwear or private moments, it doesn’t necessarily make for entertainment, or good writing, or funny writing.” And I thought, fuck. My entire life, the way I have gotten people to like me and to laugh (and let me be very honest since that’s the theme and admit that it has failed many times) is to become my own worst enemy and tell all of my secret thoughts to whomever’s affection it was I was after. Over-sharing is my signature move. If slumber parties were an Olympic sport I would win the gold medal going from complete strangers to confessing my deep dark secrets in mere seconds. To save a conversation I will first and always throw myself under the bus. I have floated out of my body in group situations and joined the observers in laughing both with mirth and horror at myself. If I was a fictional character I would be Chunk from Goonies. And now I read that Mindy Kaling doesn’t think this kind of exposure is funny. And since I want Mindy Kaling (who has never heard of me) to like me my knee jerk reaction was to write about peeing in my own butt hole in hopes that I will win her over. Mindy, if you are reading this, did it work even a little?
